Exiled against my will, he says

My father drives me insane! After the years and years and years of shit I've had to swim through, I am lucky to be afloat. I did not drown. I am alive and dealing with horrible anxiety almost daily. I could be a heartless bitch and refuse to speak to him. I could "exile" him from my life completely, but do I? No. The past is the past and I just want to move on (even though I understand that we need to confront it and deal with it, I know that's not going to happen), but when he continuously writes these sappy messages to me, searching for sympathy, like he's always done, I want to quote one of my favorite writers, David Sedaris:

"If you're looking for sympathy, it's located between shit and syphillis in the dictionary."

Seriously, he does not deserve any of the kindness my mother, brother, and I still give him. But it's not enough. It's never enough nor has it ever been enough. He wrote me today and said that he was "exiled against his will" from Arkansas. But he doesn't want to talk about it. Of course he doesn't! He doesn't ever want to talk about the past, about the things he's done, about what happened amongst our family. Our family will never be properly healed and that saddens me to no end. We just forgive and forget. But along with our kindness, our forgiveness is never enough. And if I dare say any of this to him, he will just get pissed off at me. I wish he could remember through the Xanax haze he was in how I was the parent, the mediator, the one who kept things, some of the time, from falling completely apart. I still get anxiety when my mom gets mad about something and yells. What about what happened to us, to the family? None of it seems to matter. It's always been about him. ALWAYS. He takes everything for granted.

God, I need some therapy as does my entire freaking family!

Bonnaroo 2009 Lineup Video

Poetry overwhelms me

This is a poem I've been working on for over a year now. Granted it was off and on. I didn't really spend that much time over all on it. I'm still not happy with it. I think my title is cheesy, but it's all I can come up with right now. I have a really hard time with poetry after taking many creative writing classes in college. There's so much you have to think about. It overwhelms me.


Invisible Impressions

I glanced at the blue ink
sinking into the lines
of my fingertips
like shadows on cracks
in metallic concrete.

I stamped my fingerprints
onto white walls
then pressed
middle and index finger
into the puddle
above your shoulder blade--

I left an imprint on your skin.

You grasped for my fingers
like strings, or rather straws,
thirsty for my compassion;
a compassion you knew could be squeezed
from me like water from a cactus.
You were dying for comfort,
and I was weary of the warnings
pricking underneath my skin.

Once again,
you’ve
sucked
me
dry.

So on second thought
I could’ve stamped my fingerprints
onto a white chaise or
perhaps I should’ve pressed
into the hallows
of your face, but
once I saw your tears
mix with the blue ink,
I hesitated; my hands were shaky. Yet
somehow, I was
still
in that moment--
frozen, dehydrated,
gazing at the blueberry splatters.

Eventually,
they faded away
along with your weeping and
I knew you’d soon forget,
my impressions erased
as quickly as magic ink.
The blue now invisible,
and the kindness I’d spared,
untraceable.


The poem is about the many times my kindness has been taken for granted. I put alot into relationships and I am a great friend. I try to leave an impression of my kindness on those I care about, but sometimes these people end up completely forgetting how I had been there for them. Not only am I wanting them to remember my own kindness, I also want them to remember to be kind. Sometimes that too gets lost.

American Idol audition caught on tape!

Margaret and I have been walking together at the sports center. 2 miles four times a week. We are on week 2. After our walk on Wednesday, we went to McAlister's for a healthy dinner treat. When we were leaving said restaurant, I for some reason had Addicted to Love in my head and started belting it on out.......badly. Margaret says "Dude, you should totally try out for American Idol!" I said, "Yeah, and it would go a little somethin' like this..." Once again, I started singing badly and strangely, you know, being the typical dumbass that I am.

We got back to her house and I got in my car to leave. I checked my phone and saw I had 2 missed calls. They were from the assistant director at the library. First thought, "My phone has accidentally called her again." Second thought, "Oh Shit." My phone called her over the xmas break and she had a long message of me talking to someone. Not good. I wasn't sure if I had once again left a message, but just shrugged it off and figured I'd ask her on Thursday.

I get to work Thursday morning and the director says "Ok, I have to make fun of Jesslyn again." I said "Crap, what did I do now?" She said "W. called me laughing and said she had a message from you. She tried to call you back before listening to the message, but you didn't answer so she listened to the message. She said you were just singing along with the radio...."
Grrrrrreeeaaaat. No, I wasn't singing along with the radio. It wasn't even on. W. comes in and I say "Hey sorry about that free concert I left on your voicemail." She laughs and says, "It's okay." I said "I don't know why my phone likes to call you. I wonder if it somehow has you on speed dial. Anyways, I wasn't singing along with the radio. I was doing a pretend try out for American Idol." She laughs again and says, "Yeah my boys really enjoyed it."

D'Oh!

The Vus

My brain is constantly playing tricks on me. I've experienced deja vu ever since I can remember. Even as a small child, I can recall instances where I felt something that was said or something that happened had already occured. Lately I have been experiencing weird versions of deja vu where initially I feel as though I am learning something new or seeing something new, but then all of a sudden it seems as though I really did already know that or have already seen it. I know that most of the time that is not really the case which brings me to the next type of "vu" which is jamais vu (French for "never seen"). I have only recently discovered this term.

Jamais vu is the opposite of deja vu in which a person has actually experienced something, but it is not familar to that person in any way. Jamais vu involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before. Jamais vu is more commonly explained as when a person momentarily doesn't recognize a word, person, or place that he/she already knows (I love Wikipedia!). I know I've experienced jamais vu after looking at a word for too long and it starts looking really weird. I'm convincing myself for a split second that the word isn't a word at all when rationality thankfully sets in and I realize ummmm yeah, pretty sure tree is a word.

I've been wondering if the situations I have been experiencing lately are sort of like jamais vu. I think I don't know what a word means or feel as though a juicy story has never been told and then once I've heard it, my brain tells me "You already knew that." But rationally I know that can't be! This has to be some sort of "vu" concoction!

There's a third kind of vu as well. Presque vu (from French, meaning "almost seen") is the sensation of being on the brink of an epiphany. Often very disorienting and distracting, presque vu rarely leads to an actual breakthrough. Frequently, one experiencing presque vu will say that they have something "on the tip of their tongue." This has to be the most annoying of the vus. I can't tell you how many times I've had a word lingering or worse a great idea that just can't come to full light. That happens alot when I'm trying to write something which I don't do often enough for it to be a real problem.

So there's already seen, never seen, and almost seen. All three = FRUSTRATION! I can say that I've experienced deja and presque quite a deal more than jamais. I'm sure with old age comes jamais vu as well as a much heartier helping of deja and presque. Eh, C'est la vie.

Science nerd is the phrase that comes to mind

• 
  
  The hydromedusa is such a beautiful creature! I saw this picture the other day in Aududon Magazine. There's an article about iceburgs and the creatures that live under them. This is one of them. Their life expectancy is only a few days and they are bioluminescent. They have two main components to their life cycle. They have a benthic (lives on the sea floor) phase that is a polyp which is kind of like a sea anemone. That phase produces the hydromedusae that looks like a jellyfish. The hydromedusae can bud asexually but will also produce eggs and sperm that result in the polyp.
  
  
  
  Another favorite ocean critter of mine is the leafy sea dragon. I first saw one at the aquarium in Atlanta. Oh how I miss Atlanta!
  
  Some facts about the leafy sea dragon:
  
  Yes, it is related to the seahorse.
  
• Their leaf-like protusions are not weapons, but rather serve as a camouflage from predators as well as to disguise themselves from possible snacks.
• Females deposit eggs on the tail of the male where they grow to maturity. It takes a total of nine weeks for the eggs to begin to hatch, depending on water conditions. The eggs turn a ripe purple or orange over this period. After this period, the male pumps its tail until the infants emerge, a process which takes place over 24-48 hours. The male aids in the babies hatching by shaking his tail, and rubbing it against the seaweed and rocks. (I stole this from wiki)
• They have become endangered through pollution and industrial runoff as well as collection by fascinated divers who are entranced by their unique appearance. In response to these dangers they have been officially protected by the Australian government. (stole this too)

P.S. "Science is interesting...and if you don't think so, you can fuck off." - Richard Dawkins

Pathologically Indecisive

I have always had a tough time making decisions. I can remember being on the candy aisle at a gas station when I was oh I don't know like 8 or 9. I scanned the shelves laced with candy bars, ju ju bees, sour war heads, ring pops, and the like and being completely overwhelmed by all the possibilities. I was overstimulated and then my mom had to say those 5 words that came together to form the dreaded sentence: You can choose only one. ONE?! Shit. How am I going to make sure to choose the right one?! The one that will satisfy my sweet tooth, that spot in the stomach that is just aching for the right amount of, oh what is it, sweet, sour, creamy, nougat, caramel, chocolate, or fruity?! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!



This happened on many occasions. I am one of the most indecisive people EVER. Typically, my indecisiveness is linked with wanting to make sure others around me are pleased. I'd rather someone else be happy than myself which has, at times, made me unhappy. I know that I deserve some selfish indulgences every now and then and have been working on this ideal.
But what's really going on in my brain? I think there must be a shortage between my brain and my emotions. I can't always read myself well enough. I also like to think that I am pretty easy to please so whatever's clever, ya dig?



I was processing and checking in magazines this afternoon and when I got to NY times magazine, I started reading the interview (I usually do). This time it was with Jonah Lehrer (above. quite the hottie). He is an editor at large for Seed Magazine. He's also written for The New Yorker, Nature, the Boston Globe and is a contributer to Radio Lab and Scientific American Mind. He's the author of Proust Was A Neuroscientist. His new book is How We Decide. You can ultimately guess what grabbed my attention.

How We Decide was written by him because he feels he is pathologically indecisive and wanted to make decision making simpler. BINGO! "For the first time, neuroscience can be applied to everday life. The research on the neurotransmitter dopamine, for instance, can teach us why we play slot machines and overuse our credit cards (also another problem of mine)."

I love what Lehrer had to say to the interviewers next question or rather statement:

I: Maybe indecisiveness is the price of being an intelligent human being who understands his actions have consequesnces (something I would love to trick myself into believing).

JL: That would be a little too self-congratulatory for me. Indecisiveness means you're not listening carefully enough to your emotions, which know what you really want....(a more realistic way of understanding the decision making process)

I think what the interviewer had to say is definitely part of the decision making process. Being a rational, intelligent human means you are going to take into account the results of the decisions you make. I am, alot of times, an over-thinker which can be both good and bad. Thinking too much has gotten the better of me, but has also saved me in ways. In conclusion, I am excited about this book. I am a science nerd at heart and am fascinated by the functions of the brain. Will this book help me be less obnoxious with my indecisiveness? One can only hope.