Was I truly depressed or just awakening to the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, the insight that samsaric life is misery? My melancholy seemed like simple realism: if you weren't depressed, you obviously didn't know what was going on. I was becoming concious of what Gurdjieff called "the horror of the situation." And so I took long walks and thought about death and the suffering of innocents. I wrote bad poetry. I did not go to Stanford.
Friday, March 19, 2010
I have now worked out 3 times at 10 fitness and I LOVE IT!!!! I signed up for activtrax and it's awesome! When you first sign up, you have to do a strength test, then put your results into the computer, and it sets you up with a workout. I can already feel a difference in my arms and abs. YES! I'm ready to be a size 6 and be all toned up. And another plus, exercising makes me feel so much happier. I'm about to be the healthiest I've been my whole life.....ok so when I first started working out I was pretty healthy too, but I wasn't doing as much of the working out as I am now. I plan to go this afternoon too, yes, on a Friday. I am committed! Oh, and having your significant other working out with you is definitely a major plus. I wanted to just go home and lay down yesterday after work, but he said "Just do it. You will be glad you did." I have to admit, he was right.
I've also caught the cooking bug as of late. It's so fun to cook something and for the person you're cooking for to say WOW! This is really good! I've had a couple injuries so far, but that's mostly because I am such a clutz anyways.
As far as the family drama in my life, I am just going to have to distance myself and accept things for what they are. There is nothing I can change about it. I've said what I needed to say and hopefully those things will still be bouncing around in their heads when they act on things. We'll see.
Mom and I are taking Zo bow to Wye Mtn. Tuesday for a photo shoot. We did this last year too. I was the prop girl and was supposed to keep her on the stool. She fell off twice. LOL Lets see how good I can do this year. Fingers crossed!
My anxiety seems to be slipping away. I have a new found confidence in myself and I love it! I'm still a bit introverted, and shy, but that's just my personality. The nervous, scared feelings I have about things aren't nearly as bad as they once were. I still get anxiety thinking about death, my own as well as my mother's, but I think that's normal. I am finally accepting that I am an adult and I am feeling confident that I can do all those things that adults do. I've struggled with this for a while now. All of the responsibilities made me nervous. All of the things that adults are supposed to do confused me. And I felt silly, or maybe not as good for not knowing all of these things. It's okay. I will figure it out and I have an amazing partner to figure these things out with. Everyone has problems, bad things that happen to them; that's life. I can do this, damn it!