Monday, September 28, 2009

Audrey Niffenegger, my new hero!

Why can’t I find e-book versions of your books?I am not opposed to the existence of e-books; I know lots of people are wildly enthusiastic about them. But I have spent my life working with books as an art form and I am devoted to physical books. E-books in their current incarnations are still imperfect and they threaten the arts of book design and typography. As a book conservator I am also nervous about the digitization of books: will they be readable one hundred years from now? Or will thousands of books simply vanish as platforms and programs change?

E-books have certain advantages (they are searchable) and disadvantages (they are not beautiful objects in themselves and don’t display images very well). I’m sure they will improve over time, though. I don’t know when or if my books will become e-books. Writing me hostile e-mail about this will not hasten my desire.

(author of The Time Traveler’s Wife)

These are the same questions I have been asking on the notion of e-books. They scare me.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

1 new friend request: An old fling

A guy that I had a sort of fling with when I was in high school found me on facebook yesterday. It got me to thinking. There was a time in our society that once you lost contact with these people, that was pretty much it. The only way you could get back in touch with them would be through snail mail, if they or you happened to have an address or could find them in the phone book, or perhaps somehow got your phone number through someone. That takes quite a bit of effort so it seems that even though you may think of someone from your past, would you really want to go through all that just to get in touch with them? Most likely not. Now a days all you have to do is create a facebook or myspace profile and do a name search. Pretty much everyone is online.

The point I am trying to get to here (there is one, I promise) is how does one or more of these people from your past friend requesting you on one of these sites effect a current relationship? My boyfriend and I have declared our doors completely wide open as far as communication is concerned. Now more than ever open communication between partners is one of the MOST important aspects to keep a relationship strong and healthy. I don't keep anything from him and vice versa. I had a split second thought yesterday when I saw a comment from the guy I mentioned at the beginning of this blog to just delete it. Whoosh. Gone. Didn't happen. That's what the old Jesslyn would have done. Hidden it. I was scandelous back then. Times have changed and they have changed greatly! And granted all the guy said was: jesslyn I would love to see or talk to you. I knew I would have to explain this to my boyfriend. If some girl had left a comment on his page, I know I'd be asking questions. I decided the right course of action was to comment on the comment and let him know I am involved and happy. Then at dinner last night, I told the bf about the comment and who the guy is. Now, if this was like 1989 and not 2009, that guy would have been history. No need to even tell the current boyfriend about this guy because I hadn't spoken to him since I was like 17. I currenly have a few exes on my friends list because, yeah, there's no hard feelings and I'd still like to be friends (and only friends. there's a reason they're exes). My boyfriend understands that and trusts me. He even thanked me last night for being open and honest and letting him know. It's just really strange to me when I think about the fact that these people would otherwise be completely out of your life. And here they are, poppin up on a friend request, leaving comments that you need to explain to your current partner. I know I have to contain my jealousy knowing that my boyfriend is in contact with some of his exes/flings. In these instances, I come to realize that we are both happily, crazily in love with each other and none of these people from our pasts can or will take that away from us. However, how strange is it to have to explain who these people are to your otter (yes I meant to say otter) half once they have left a comment like that? Technology is neat and makes things easier, but it can also make things more complicated. It's a catch 22 for sure.

Monday, August 17, 2009

An open letter to myself (Shout out to Melissa)

Dearest J Squared,

Ever since going off your antidepressants you have been freaking out in numerous ways. You had extreme anxiety with simple tasks such as calling to make doctor appointments or to get your tires rotated. Luckily, it turned out similarily like your fear of talking into the box at drive thrus when you were in high school. You told yourself how ridiculous it was and eventually just did it. Now you seem to be freaking out about not being cool enough, not being as far in life as some 27 year olds are, not being pretty enough, etc etc etc. Lets bring in ole Stuart Smally cos you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you! Scratch that, people effing love you! So please stop comparing yourself to other women. You are not like other women. Frankly, you are more badass than most women. You are compassionate, thoughtful, beautiful, you are intelligent, you have accomplished great things thus far, you are witty, silly, you enjoy life and know how to have fun. Yes, your anxiety holds you back, but you know you can fight through these ridiculous things and be a better person. You don't need your boyfriend's friends to tell him you are beautiful because he thinks you are beautiful and you should know that it's true. You don't need anyone's approval but your own. You don't have to be so scared of living. This doesn't happen all the time, but on the rare occasion you are in fact scared to death of being an adult and you know what, that's okay. You need to find confidence in yourself and know you can do anything that you put your mind to. Just like Melissa said, there is always room for improvement, but know that the base you have to work with is incredible!



**Thanks Melissa for writing a letter to yourself because I needed this***

Friday, August 14, 2009

Lucid Dreaming

Dreams. What are they? An escape from reality or reality itself? Waking Life follows the dream(s) of one man and his attempt to find and discern the absolute difference between waking life and the dreamworld. While trying to figure out a way to wake up, he runs into many people on his way; some of which offer one sentence asides on life, others delving deeply into existential questions and life's mysteries. We become the main character. It becomes our dream and our questions being asked and answered. Can we control our dreams? What are they telling us about life? About death? About ourselves and where we come from and where we are going? The film does not answer all these for us. Instead, it inspires us to ask the questions and find the answers ourselves. Written by

I rewatched this the other day with Jamie. He had never seen it. I had forgotten about my curiosity concerning lucid dreaming. The only fear I have about trying lucid dreaming is getting confused on whether you are awake or dreaming. BUT there is a way to test this. A friend of mine on facebook (he taught school with my mom so we haven't actually met) posted a note recently on the steps to lucid dreaming. I really want to try this.

First, lucid dreaming is an unusual dream-state where you know that you are dreaming, and can then try to exert some measure of control or influence over what you dream.

Step one, if you want to lucid dream, is simply to do something to increase the number of dreams you remember. This is simple: keep a dream journal, right next to your bed -- a simple notebook, with pen or pencil ready. The moment you wake up, write down every detail you can remember about what you were dreaming (lucidly or not) right before waking -- before the dream fades from your memory, as they often do quickly. Just this step alone will make you more aware of your dreams, and therefore make it more likely that you will lucid-dream.

Step two is to take a permanent marker, and write a small "c" on one hand. This "c" stands for a Check of Consciousness. Every time, during the day (which will probably be a dozen times or so) that you notice this "c," stop whatever you're doing, and check -- really, seriously check -- to see if you can figure out whether you are awake or asleep. You can check this by thinking about the events of the last 15 minutes ago, and seeing if they flowed naturally from one event to the next, or were disjointed and random, as dreams often are. An even simpler way to check is to see if the laws of physics work normally, for they often do not in dreams. I do this by simply jumping up into the air. If I fall straight back down, well, I know gravity is working normally, and assume I am awake. I know from experience that gravity often does NOT typically work normally in my dreams, so, if I flutter downward like a leaf or a sheet of paper when I try this, then I know I'm dreaming.

Now, if you do this check a dozen times or so, for 5-7 days (sometimes less), you'll get in such a habit of doing it that you'll continue the habit right into your dream-time -- in other words, you'll perform the check while dreaming, just because you've been doing it so much. If your checks are thorough enough, you're then more likely than not at that point to figure out that you are, in fact, asleep and dreaming. At that point, have fun -- what you choose to dream about is completely up to you!

To be in control of your dreams! How awesome is that?! I highly recommend Waking Life if only to get your mind churning about the possibilites of the mind itself.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Fishbones and Toilet Paper

So the other night I stayed with the guy I’m dating. It was roughly 3:25 a.m. when I woke up and couldn’t go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for a while and then realized I had to pee….bad. I go into the bathroom and find a note on the toilet from his roommate. Being the nosey bitch that I am, I read said note. Basically, his roommate was upset with him for calling him a bitch and decided to take all of the toilet paper out of the bathroom. So here I am at like 430 in the morning scrounging around for something to wipe with and cussing under my breath. Luckily, I found some paper towels. Yesterday I text guy and asked him if they had worked things out. He said yes, that roomie was upset about other things too and kinda took it out on him, blah blah blah. Also, roomie is a chef and guy made us salmon cakes making sure to save one for roomie. Apparently guy left vertebrate in the salmon cakes. I didn’t notice any fish bones nor did guy. We decided this was karma, premeditated. He got fish bones in his salmon cake because he was planning to steal all the toilet paper. Guy asked me what I thought Palahniuk or Vonnegut would say about the situation.

I replied: Palahniuk would say he took away our ability to wipe our asses and therefore got fish bones in his food.

Vonnegut would be a bit more eloquent. Something about the bones being from the future and the tp being a sort of vessel.

I cracked myself up as well as guy. If you do not find humor in this, you can kindly f off. In the words of Bon Jovi, have a nice day.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

He is the one with the problem

I was just in a relationship for all of...........wait for it............wait........3 fucking days! And how did this end, you ask? With him dumping me via facebook message! He told me that I am amazing, that I am one of the best things to ever happen to him, that he can't believe someone as beautiful as me would be interested in him, but apparently I have a drinking problem. And he cannot turn a blind eye to my problem. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCK?! I am not only angered at his obvious judgement, but also the fact that the pussy chose to end it via facebook message. Don't I at least deserve a fucking phone call?! Looking back on it, however, I don't wish to have spoken to him. I never want to talk to him ever AGAIN. After filling my head with all this bullshit and realizing that I need to stop giving guys a chance after my initial gut reaction is "Eh, he really isnt my type. A friend, perhaps, but not someone I should date." I am just so annoyed and angry not to mention hurt. I have to start listening to my instincts! I have to quit giving every joe shmo a fucking chance.

I think one issue he has with my drinking is that he is afraid I am going to get messed up and cheat on him since this is what has happened to him in the past.

An example (from his dump message): You would just be doing it behind my back and I would just be wondering where you were and what you were doing. It isn't really fair to either one of us and I'm sure it would only cause more problems down the road as we started caring for one another more.

Trust issues? I believe so.

I also think a great deal of it is because he himself had a drinking problem in the past. And that I could have been very sensitive to. I am a sensitive, understanding, caring individual and if he couldn't be around it that much, then I wouldn't have brought it around him unless he wanted to have a few.

An example (from ultimatum facebook message): I'm not going to get pulled down that path again.

Basically, I received an ultimatum after dating for 3 weeks and being in a relationship for 3 days. Controlling much? What would have been next? Would he have started ordering for me at restaurants, cutting me off mid order saying, "No, she won't be having the mashed potatoes. Bring her the vegetables, no butter, no salt." WTF?! If I said, "Hey, it's girls night and we are going out for dinner and drinks" would that have turned into a night of constant texts and phone calls asking where I was, who was there, how much I had to drink, when I was coming back?!

I do not, I repeat, DO NOT have a freaking drinking problem nor am I going down any sort of destructive path. Yes, my past is dirty. I went down some bad ones, but you know what, I pulled myself up outta the dirt, dusted myself off, and moved on. Yeah I drink a few a few nights a week. I drink to get drunk once maybe twice a week. I enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. I enjoy an impromptu mimosa with friends during breakfast. I do not get drunk every day. I do not even drink every day even tho he seems to beg to differ. I do not think about drinking all day every day. My best friend said, "dude if you have a drinking problem, then I should be in rehab." My lifestyle is different from his. I am sorry you had a problem in your past. I am sorry others around you had problems and fell into alcoholism. I've seen it too! It's not going to happen to me. I'm sorry your ex-girlfriends got messed up and cheated on you. Not fair to pass that judgement on me. We are not all the same.

I am, however, very glad this came out now and not a few months down the road.

I am a responsible, intelligent, grown ass woman!!!! You, sir, can go fuck yourself and the high horse you rode in on!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

I Love Grunge!!!

Grunge Bands: Where Are They Now?
Patrick Enright

Torn jeans. Long underwear worn under cargo shorts with combat boots. Remember the early '90s? OK, so maybe it wasn't the best time of our lives fashionwise, but musically, it rocked. Yes, we're talking about the heyday of grunge, when a rainy city in the Pacific Northwest became the center of the musical universe, unkempt hair and clothing were the uniform of choice and angst reigned. With Pearl Jam re-releasing "Ten," one of the albums that helped to define the movement, here's a look back at the six biggest Seattle grunge bands and what they've been up to since flannel faded.(To see our full package on grunge, including an interview with Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder, a look at growing up a Pearl Jam fan and a gallery of famous grunge bands, click here.)

Alice in Chains
Representative lyric: "I'm the man in the box, buried in my s--t"
Breakthrough-album cover art: Dead hippie in the desert
Most likely to: Cancel a show at the last minute because of "illness"
Where are they now? In the mid-'90s, Alice in Chains more or less dropped off the radar, with troubled lead singer Layne Staley appearing occasionally with Seattle supergroup Mad Season and guitarist Jerry Cantrell releasing a solo album. On April 19, 2002, Staley was found dead in his Seattle condominium, apparently of an overdose of heroin and cocaine. In 2005, the three surviving members added William DuVall as vocalist and guitarist; the revamped Alice in Chains is currently working on a new album, set for a summer 2009 release.
Ah, that takes me back.

Representative lyric: "Touch me, I'm sick"
Breakthrough-album cover art: Retro '60s lounge (even though Mudhoney never really broke through to the mainstream, "Piece of Cake" was their major-label debut)
Most likely to: Remain much less widely known than their fellow Seattle grunge stars
Where are they now? Still going. Even though they got a major-label deal during the height of the grunge craze, Mudhoney didn't make it as big as their well-known peers, possibly because their sound had become less radio-friendly and more abrasive, including elements of garage rock. After Reprise dropped them from their roster in 1999, bassist Matt Lukin left, citing his dislike of touring. Mudhoney wasn't dead, though; Guy Maddison signed on as new bassist a few years later, and the band has been steadily releasing albums and touring ever since, with "The Lucky Ones" hitting record stores in 2008.

Representative lyric: "Oh, well, whatever, never mind"
Breakthrough-album cover art: Naked baby
Most likely to: Cause self-injury onstage, such as by, say, smacking themselves in the face with their instruments
Where are they now? Nirvana disbanded after singer Kurt Cobain shot and killed himself on April 5, 1994. Drummer Dave Grohl subsequently formed the Foo Fighters, a band with which he has seen substantial critical and commercial success (they released their sixth album, "Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace," in 2007). Bass player Krist Novoselic turned to more political endeavors, organizing a musicians' lobbying group, the Joint Artists and Music Promotions Action Committee, and, more recently, joining his local chapter of agricultural association the Grange. He also writes a column for the Seattle Weekly.

Pearl Jam
Representative lyric: "Daddy didn't give attention to the fact that mommy didn't care"
Breakthrough-album cover art: Cheer squad high five
Most likely to: Not only pause between songs to make a public criticism of an allegedly waste-dumping oil company, but actually to perform a 30-second song exhorting listeners not to patronize said company
Where are they now? Perhaps the most down-to-earth-seeming of the grunge bands, Pearl Jam combined political activism with their music not long after they became superstars. Band members testified on Capitol Hill as part of a Justice Department investigation into alleged monopolistic practices by concert ticket distributor Ticketmaster in 1995, and they've continued to back liberal causes. In 2008, the band (sans Eddie Vedder) even recorded an only mildly cringe-worthy cover of Billy Haley classic "Rock Around the Clock," titled "Rock Around Barack," to show their support for the Democratic nominee. They've just re-released their debut, "Ten," and they're reportedly working on their ninth studio album.

Screaming Trees
Representative lyric: "Did you hear the distant lie, calling me back to my sin?"
Breakthrough-album cover art: Band in the machine
Most likely to: Brawl backstage, kick each other out of the band and then rejoin
Where are they now? After a tempestuous 15-year run, the band announced their official breakup in 2000, but they'd been on and off ever since "Sweet Oblivion" in 1992, the album that featured the MTV hit "Nearly Lost You." Brothers Van and Gary Lee Conner often fought, and on one occasion drummer Barrett Martin was nearly crushed beneath a refrigerator in the crossfire. Van currently plays guitar for the band Valis, and singer Mark Lanegan has been something of a gadfly, collaborating with musicians as diverse as Queens of the Stone Age, Belle & Sebastian's Isobel Campbell and former Afghan Whigs frontman Greg Dulli. Lanegan and Dulli currently perform as the Gutter Twins.

Representative lyric: "I'm lookin' California and feelin' Minnesota"
Breakthrough-album cover art: Spiky, angry, vehicular
Most likely to: Make a pretentious video with creepy CGI effects distorting people's faces much like those strangely terrifying commercials with talking pets
Where are they now? After "Badmotorfinger," their breakthrough, Soundgarden only got bigger, releasing "Superunknown" in '94, which sold millions of copies and won Grammys. Unfortunately, by 1996, when the band released "Down on the Upside," grunge was fading, and the members agreed to call it quits the next year. Since then, singer Chris Cornell has been the most visible, performing with three-quarters of Rage Against the Machine as Audioslave and launching a successful solo career that has included the theme song to Bond movie "Casino Royale." Drummer Matt Cameron joined Pearl Jam shortly after Soundgarden's breakup and has played with the band ever since.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Everyday Challenges and the Storm

I had an epiphany while driving home today. It was storming.....bad. While most people freak out during this situation, I am always calm and welcome the challenge. I straightened up my seat to an almost 90 degree angle and gripped the steering wheel at the 10 and 2 so hard my knuckles were white. I have concentration so crisp it's like a brain surgeon making an incision. And this made me question myself. If everyday challenges can become such difficult tasks for me (because of my anxiety), then why do I enjoy the challenge of driving on the interstate in a terrible storm? Through my concentration, I was also thinking hard on this. I didn't feel an inkling of anxiety. Wouldn't a person with anxiety have it at a moment like this? I could crash at any moment, go fish tailing out of control. So why wasn't I freaking the f out?!

It's because I was actually in control of the car. I had something to place my concentration on. I was in control of an object. I wasn't considering the fact that someone else on the road could fuck up at any moment causing me to spin out of control. I had the control. It was mine. When I get anxiety, I usually don't have anything to attatch it to. I woke up with terrible anxiety the other day and I could tell my brain was just searching for something to explain it. So all of a sudden I was freaking out about a stupid list (shit that reminds me I have to email that to the assistant director) of direct ordered periodicals and their expiration and renewal dates. Really? Was that really something to freak out about? No, it wasn't. But I needed an object to grasp on to. I read a review a friend wrote about a book on fear and anxiety and in it he states that fear is different from anxiety because fear involves an object. You are afraid of a lion on the loose because it could maul you. You are afraid of a speeding car as you are crossing the street because it can hit you. There is no object with anxiety.

I used to be afraid of talking in the drive thru. I refused to do it. I got anxiety even approaching a fast food place when I was driving. I have conquered that. I am sometimes afraid to call people (strangers mind you) to make appointments or ask questions. Lately, I have found ease doing it. Slowly, but surely, I will come to grips with my anxiety without the help of anti depressants. I have been off of them for almost a year now and I am damn proud of myself for the progress I have made. I sometimes have bad days, but I try to not let it show and deal with it the best I can. I told our student worker at the library that I have anxiety and you know what she said to me, "Really? I seriously would've never guessed." I hide it well. haha!

I am constantly challenging myself to overcome the things that I know will give me anxiety. I have been forcing myself to do these things and get through it. Currently, I feel better than I have in quite some time. And I am damned determined to continue this trend.

I'm going Rogue

Rogue from X-Men
I've got the I just have to work on getting that body. Actually, I am a different sort of Rogue superhero. I am the Rogue Librarian. Missing books BEWARE!!!!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Top 10

Top 10 list of reasons to be happy this week:

  1. I have a new, rockin do
  2. The bosses are out........all week
  3. Spring Break means hardly any traffic in the library
  4. I'm about to have internet in my room.......FINALLY!!
  5. Internet means ITUNES!!!!!!!!! Music makes me :-)
  6. Kickball Sunday to look forward to
  7. I get paid
  8. Heroes, ANTM, Dancing with the Stars (I <3>
  9. I rock
  10. My new do makes me feel like I'm in a comic book and that is a fun feeling! (hero or villian I cannot decide)

Kickball Sunday wasn't as fun as it was last week, but it was fun none-the-less. My friend Major is freaking hilarious! He is like a teenage girl when it comes to guys. And it's always fun to have someone like that around when scoping out hot guys. haha! He is fearless, I will just put it to ya like that. We didn't get to kickball until like 630 because everyone was flaking out on us and it's more fun to go with a group. But we ended up with a good group so it was pretty fun. The novice games are the fun games. We went to the other side with the serious teams and man it was boring! The other teams wear costumes and run bases with beers in hand. It's GREAT! I think every cool person should check out kickball Sunday at Interstate Park. Just don't forget your beers and snacks. I prefer PBR Light, fruit, and white cheddar cheetos.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Mark Doty

100 Poems, 100 Days

The day before the inauguration we sent out a call to poets we admire to write poems that respond, however loosely, to the presidency, the nation, the government or the current political climate. More than one hundred American poets responded immediately. The first 100 poets were each assigned one of President Obama’s first hundred days in office, and each will write a poem reflecting on the state of the nation and the world on that day. A new poem is posted every day.

The group of poems is called Starting Today: Poems for the First 100 Days. I studied Mark Doty in my poetry class in college (everytime I say "in college" or "when I was in college" I feel SO old!) and he is amazing! His poems are always very vivid and the content is always unexpected. I LOVE HIM! He has a facebook page and that's how I found out about this 100 poems for 100 days thing. I think it's fabulous! It's a blog here on blogger that you can follow if you like. I am! As well as Doty's blog.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Day #32: Mark Doty
Skulls Are So Last Year
(including half a line by Thomas McGrath)

Unattended money may be searched or destroyed
Woman in the doorway of Dunkin Donuts
reciting will you help me get
something to eat will you help me
get something to eat will you
help me get something painful revision of WCW's
modernist syntax of insistence

Please hold on money is leaving the station

In New York at five past money
many small vacancies open

Debt clock broke down whirling exhilarating
proliferation of zeroes we just don't have
that many lightbulbs

Do not accept money from persons unknown to you

In New York at a quarter past money
I'd put my queer shoulder to the wheel if I could find it

Be careful when opening money as contents may have shifted

Put my shoulder to the wheel but I'd go tumbling
through the absence of value to the lack of a floor
flat on my face in this fiction of a symbol

That can itself be sold
or you can sell the absence of the symbol
bundle the absences and divide them among a multiplicity
build a whole towering extravagance

Something like the way in Tallinn this month
the Estonian Philharmonic is holding a Festival of Perfect Silence
so we are planning to celebrate the completed

Vanished tower of abstract money

A little reminiscent of that fading fashion for vertical foods in restaurants
an edible structure that would allow your meal to rise from your plate
toward you mirror of an entire economic architecture shimmying upward

Into the thinning atmosphere the most tenuous needles of money

And maybe why today the barrista who's charging me
do you want cash back with that
wears around her neck a cameo
no antique but sly parodic black oval
upon which a coral-red skull and crossbones are looming

That's why skulls were everywhere last year
on jeans pockets backpacks wallets china your wristwatch

Sign of piracy

Would you like another transaction

Mark Doty's most recent book of poems, FIRE TO FIRE: New & Selected Poems (HarperCollins, 2008) won the National Book Award for Poetry. This fall he'll join the faculty at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, New Jersey.
Posted by Arielle at 7:30 AM

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Exiled against my will, he says

My father drives me insane! After the years and years and years of shit I've had to swim through, I am lucky to be afloat. I did not drown. I am alive and dealing with horrible anxiety almost daily. I could be a heartless bitch and refuse to speak to him. I could "exile" him from my life completely, but do I? No. The past is the past and I just want to move on (even though I understand that we need to confront it and deal with it, I know that's not going to happen), but when he continuously writes these sappy messages to me, searching for sympathy, like he's always done, I want to quote one of my favorite writers, David Sedaris:

"If you're looking for sympathy, it's located between shit and syphillis in the dictionary."

Seriously, he does not deserve any of the kindness my mother, brother, and I still give him. But it's not enough. It's never enough nor has it ever been enough. He wrote me today and said that he was "exiled against his will" from Arkansas. But he doesn't want to talk about it. Of course he doesn't! He doesn't ever want to talk about the past, about the things he's done, about what happened amongst our family. Our family will never be properly healed and that saddens me to no end. We just forgive and forget. But along with our kindness, our forgiveness is never enough. And if I dare say any of this to him, he will just get pissed off at me. I wish he could remember through the Xanax haze he was in how I was the parent, the mediator, the one who kept things, some of the time, from falling completely apart. I still get anxiety when my mom gets mad about something and yells. What about what happened to us, to the family? None of it seems to matter. It's always been about him. ALWAYS. He takes everything for granted.

God, I need some therapy as does my entire freaking family!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Poetry overwhelms me

This is a poem I've been working on for over a year now. Granted it was off and on. I didn't really spend that much time over all on it. I'm still not happy with it. I think my title is cheesy, but it's all I can come up with right now. I have a really hard time with poetry after taking many creative writing classes in college. There's so much you have to think about. It overwhelms me.

Invisible Impressions

I glanced at the blue ink
sinking into the lines
of my fingertips
like shadows on cracks
in metallic concrete.

I stamped my fingerprints
onto white walls
then pressed
middle and index finger
into the puddle
above your shoulder blade--

I left an imprint on your skin.

You grasped for my fingers
like strings, or rather straws,
thirsty for my compassion;
a compassion you knew could be squeezed
from me like water from a cactus.
You were dying for comfort,
and I was weary of the warnings
pricking underneath my skin.

Once again,

So on second thought
I could’ve stamped my fingerprints
onto a white chaise or
perhaps I should’ve pressed
into the hallows
of your face, but
once I saw your tears
mix with the blue ink,
I hesitated; my hands were shaky. Yet
somehow, I was
in that moment--
frozen, dehydrated,
gazing at the blueberry splatters.

they faded away
along with your weeping and
I knew you’d soon forget,
my impressions erased
as quickly as magic ink.
The blue now invisible,
and the kindness I’d spared,

The poem is about the many times my kindness has been taken for granted. I put alot into relationships and I am a great friend. I try to leave an impression of my kindness on those I care about, but sometimes these people end up completely forgetting how I had been there for them. Not only am I wanting them to remember my own kindness, I also want them to remember to be kind. Sometimes that too gets lost.

Friday, January 16, 2009

American Idol audition caught on tape!

Margaret and I have been walking together at the sports center. 2 miles four times a week. We are on week 2. After our walk on Wednesday, we went to McAlister's for a healthy dinner treat. When we were leaving said restaurant, I for some reason had Addicted to Love in my head and started belting it on out.......badly. Margaret says "Dude, you should totally try out for American Idol!" I said, "Yeah, and it would go a little somethin' like this..." Once again, I started singing badly and strangely, you know, being the typical dumbass that I am.

We got back to her house and I got in my car to leave. I checked my phone and saw I had 2 missed calls. They were from the assistant director at the library. First thought, "My phone has accidentally called her again." Second thought, "Oh Shit." My phone called her over the xmas break and she had a long message of me talking to someone. Not good. I wasn't sure if I had once again left a message, but just shrugged it off and figured I'd ask her on Thursday.

I get to work Thursday morning and the director says "Ok, I have to make fun of Jesslyn again." I said "Crap, what did I do now?" She said "W. called me laughing and said she had a message from you. She tried to call you back before listening to the message, but you didn't answer so she listened to the message. She said you were just singing along with the radio...."
Grrrrrreeeaaaat. No, I wasn't singing along with the radio. It wasn't even on. W. comes in and I say "Hey sorry about that free concert I left on your voicemail." She laughs and says, "It's okay." I said "I don't know why my phone likes to call you. I wonder if it somehow has you on speed dial. Anyways, I wasn't singing along with the radio. I was doing a pretend try out for American Idol." She laughs again and says, "Yeah my boys really enjoyed it."


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Vus

My brain is constantly playing tricks on me. I've experienced deja vu ever since I can remember. Even as a small child, I can recall instances where I felt something that was said or something that happened had already occured. Lately I have been experiencing weird versions of deja vu where initially I feel as though I am learning something new or seeing something new, but then all of a sudden it seems as though I really did already know that or have already seen it. I know that most of the time that is not really the case which brings me to the next type of "vu" which is jamais vu (French for "never seen"). I have only recently discovered this term.

Jamais vu is the opposite of deja vu in which a person has actually experienced something, but it is not familar to that person in any way. Jamais vu involves a sense of eeriness and the observer's impression of seeing the situation for the first time, despite rationally knowing that he or she has been in the situation before. Jamais vu is more commonly explained as when a person momentarily doesn't recognize a word, person, or place that he/she already knows (I love Wikipedia!). I know I've experienced jamais vu after looking at a word for too long and it starts looking really weird. I'm convincing myself for a split second that the word isn't a word at all when rationality thankfully sets in and I realize ummmm yeah, pretty sure tree is a word.

I've been wondering if the situations I have been experiencing lately are sort of like jamais vu. I think I don't know what a word means or feel as though a juicy story has never been told and then once I've heard it, my brain tells me "You already knew that." But rationally I know that can't be! This has to be some sort of "vu" concoction!

There's a third kind of vu as well. Presque vu (from French, meaning "almost seen") is the sensation of being on the brink of an epiphany. Often very disorienting and distracting, presque vu rarely leads to an actual breakthrough. Frequently, one experiencing presque vu will say that they have something "on the tip of their tongue." This has to be the most annoying of the vus. I can't tell you how many times I've had a word lingering or worse a great idea that just can't come to full light. That happens alot when I'm trying to write something which I don't do often enough for it to be a real problem.

So there's already seen, never seen, and almost seen. All three = FRUSTRATION! I can say that I've experienced deja and presque quite a deal more than jamais. I'm sure with old age comes jamais vu as well as a much heartier helping of deja and presque. Eh, C'est la vie.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Science nerd is the phrase that comes to mind

  • The hydromedusa is such a beautiful creature! I saw this picture the other day in Aududon Magazine. There's an article about iceburgs and the creatures that live under them. This is one of them. Their life expectancy is only a few days and they are bioluminescent. They have two main components to their life cycle. They have a benthic (lives on the sea floor) phase that is a polyp which is kind of like a sea anemone. That phase produces the hydromedusae that looks like a jellyfish. The hydromedusae can bud asexually but will also produce eggs and sperm that result in the polyp.

    Another favorite ocean critter of mine is the leafy sea dragon. I first saw one at the aquarium in Atlanta. Oh how I miss Atlanta!

    Some facts about the leafy sea dragon:

    Yes, it is related to the seahorse.
  • Their leaf-like protusions are not weapons, but rather serve as a camouflage from predators as well as to disguise themselves from possible snacks.
  • Females deposit eggs on the tail of the male where they grow to maturity. It takes a total of nine weeks for the eggs to begin to hatch, depending on water conditions. The eggs turn a ripe purple or orange over this period. After this period, the male pumps its tail until the infants emerge, a process which takes place over 24-48 hours. The male aids in the babies hatching by shaking his tail, and rubbing it against the seaweed and rocks. (I stole this from wiki)
  • They have become endangered through pollution and industrial runoff as well as collection by fascinated divers who are entranced by their unique appearance. In response to these dangers they have been officially protected by the Australian government. (stole this too)

P.S. "Science is interesting...and if you don't think so, you can fuck off." - Richard Dawkins