Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Exiled against my will, he says

My father drives me insane! After the years and years and years of shit I've had to swim through, I am lucky to be afloat. I did not drown. I am alive and dealing with horrible anxiety almost daily. I could be a heartless bitch and refuse to speak to him. I could "exile" him from my life completely, but do I? No. The past is the past and I just want to move on (even though I understand that we need to confront it and deal with it, I know that's not going to happen), but when he continuously writes these sappy messages to me, searching for sympathy, like he's always done, I want to quote one of my favorite writers, David Sedaris:

"If you're looking for sympathy, it's located between shit and syphillis in the dictionary."

Seriously, he does not deserve any of the kindness my mother, brother, and I still give him. But it's not enough. It's never enough nor has it ever been enough. He wrote me today and said that he was "exiled against his will" from Arkansas. But he doesn't want to talk about it. Of course he doesn't! He doesn't ever want to talk about the past, about the things he's done, about what happened amongst our family. Our family will never be properly healed and that saddens me to no end. We just forgive and forget. But along with our kindness, our forgiveness is never enough. And if I dare say any of this to him, he will just get pissed off at me. I wish he could remember through the Xanax haze he was in how I was the parent, the mediator, the one who kept things, some of the time, from falling completely apart. I still get anxiety when my mom gets mad about something and yells. What about what happened to us, to the family? None of it seems to matter. It's always been about him. ALWAYS. He takes everything for granted.

God, I need some therapy as does my entire freaking family!


  1. everyone needs therapy, my dear. i'm glad you have an outlet at least to vent. i love you!