I wrote a poem about not being able to write poems

The Battle for Lucidity

Static consumes the clarity,
distorts my visions and
I can't remember where
I laid my glasses down.
I am lost in a maze of stars
yet am the arsonist who
struck the match
and fed the flame --
what remains of that which separates?

I have a thirst, a thirst
that needs to be quenched,
but I have no cup
and my fingers fight
the urge to touch, my hands
repel like polar opposites
of magnets refusing
to do that which nature
has already deemed impossible.

There is a war inside me.
Bullets richochet off my skull and
I can't recall when it all began
but there is a force against
the static, the confusion and chaos.
There is a cluster fuck and
I wish someone would adjust the rabbit ears
or give a swift kick to my temple
like a kid to a television
wanting the show to
come into focus,
the story to unfold.

This speaks volumes to me!

Was I truly depressed or just awakening to the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, the insight that samsaric life is misery? My melancholy seemed like simple realism: if you weren't depressed, you obviously didn't know what was going on. I was becoming concious of what Gurdjieff called "the horror of the situation." And so I took long walks and thought about death and the suffering of innocents. I wrote bad poetry. I did not go to Stanford.

~Tim Farrington

Let's get physical, physical! I wanna get physical!

I have now worked out 3 times at 10 fitness and I LOVE IT!!!! I signed up for activtrax and it's awesome! When you first sign up, you have to do a strength test, then put your results into the computer, and it sets you up with a workout. I can already feel a difference in my arms and abs. YES! I'm ready to be a size 6 and be all toned up. And another plus, exercising makes me feel so much happier. I'm about to be the healthiest I've been my whole life.....ok so when I first started working out I was pretty healthy too, but I wasn't doing as much of the working out as I am now. I plan to go this afternoon too, yes, on a Friday. I am committed! Oh, and having your significant other working out with you is definitely a major plus. I wanted to just go home and lay down yesterday after work, but he said "Just do it. You will be glad you did." I have to admit, he was right.

I've also caught the cooking bug as of late. It's so fun to cook something and for the person you're cooking for to say WOW! This is really good! I've had a couple injuries so far, but that's mostly because I am such a clutz anyways.

As far as the family drama in my life, I am just going to have to distance myself and accept things for what they are. There is nothing I can change about it. I've said what I needed to say and hopefully those things will still be bouncing around in their heads when they act on things. We'll see.

Mom and I are taking Zo bow to Wye Mtn. Tuesday for a photo shoot. We did this last year too. I was the prop girl and was supposed to keep her on the stool. She fell off twice. LOL Lets see how good I can do this year. Fingers crossed!

My anxiety seems to be slipping away. I have a new found confidence in myself and I love it! I'm still a bit introverted, and shy, but that's just my personality. The nervous, scared feelings I have about things aren't nearly as bad as they once were. I still get anxiety thinking about death, my own as well as my mother's, but I think that's normal. I am finally accepting that I am an adult and I am feeling confident that I can do all those things that adults do. I've struggled with this for a while now. All of the responsibilities made me nervous. All of the things that adults are supposed to do confused me. And I felt silly, or maybe not as good for not knowing all of these things. It's okay. I will figure it out and I have an amazing partner to figure these things out with. Everyone has problems, bad things that happen to them; that's life. I can do this, damn it!

Audrey Niffenegger, my new hero!

Why can’t I find e-book versions of your books?I am not opposed to the existence of e-books; I know lots of people are wildly enthusiastic about them. But I have spent my life working with books as an art form and I am devoted to physical books. E-books in their current incarnations are still imperfect and they threaten the arts of book design and typography. As a book conservator I am also nervous about the digitization of books: will they be readable one hundred years from now? Or will thousands of books simply vanish as platforms and programs change?

E-books have certain advantages (they are searchable) and disadvantages (they are not beautiful objects in themselves and don’t display images very well). I’m sure they will improve over time, though. I don’t know when or if my books will become e-books. Writing me hostile e-mail about this will not hasten my desire.

(author of The Time Traveler’s Wife)

These are the same questions I have been asking on the notion of e-books. They scare me.

1 new friend request: An old fling

A guy that I had a sort of fling with when I was in high school found me on facebook yesterday. It got me to thinking. There was a time in our society that once you lost contact with these people, that was pretty much it. The only way you could get back in touch with them would be through snail mail, if they or you happened to have an address or could find them in the phone book, or perhaps somehow got your phone number through someone. That takes quite a bit of effort so it seems that even though you may think of someone from your past, would you really want to go through all that just to get in touch with them? Most likely not. Now a days all you have to do is create a facebook or myspace profile and do a name search. Pretty much everyone is online.

The point I am trying to get to here (there is one, I promise) is how does one or more of these people from your past friend requesting you on one of these sites effect a current relationship? My boyfriend and I have declared our doors completely wide open as far as communication is concerned. Now more than ever open communication between partners is one of the MOST important aspects to keep a relationship strong and healthy. I don't keep anything from him and vice versa. I had a split second thought yesterday when I saw a comment from the guy I mentioned at the beginning of this blog to just delete it. Whoosh. Gone. Didn't happen. That's what the old Jesslyn would have done. Hidden it. I was scandelous back then. Times have changed and they have changed greatly! And granted all the guy said was: jesslyn I would love to see or talk to you. I knew I would have to explain this to my boyfriend. If some girl had left a comment on his page, I know I'd be asking questions. I decided the right course of action was to comment on the comment and let him know I am involved and happy. Then at dinner last night, I told the bf about the comment and who the guy is. Now, if this was like 1989 and not 2009, that guy would have been history. No need to even tell the current boyfriend about this guy because I hadn't spoken to him since I was like 17. I currenly have a few exes on my friends list because, yeah, there's no hard feelings and I'd still like to be friends (and only friends. there's a reason they're exes). My boyfriend understands that and trusts me. He even thanked me last night for being open and honest and letting him know. It's just really strange to me when I think about the fact that these people would otherwise be completely out of your life. And here they are, poppin up on a friend request, leaving comments that you need to explain to your current partner. I know I have to contain my jealousy knowing that my boyfriend is in contact with some of his exes/flings. In these instances, I come to realize that we are both happily, crazily in love with each other and none of these people from our pasts can or will take that away from us. However, how strange is it to have to explain who these people are to your otter (yes I meant to say otter) half once they have left a comment like that? Technology is neat and makes things easier, but it can also make things more complicated. It's a catch 22 for sure.

An open letter to myself (Shout out to Melissa)

Dearest J Squared,

Ever since going off your antidepressants you have been freaking out in numerous ways. You had extreme anxiety with simple tasks such as calling to make doctor appointments or to get your tires rotated. Luckily, it turned out similarily like your fear of talking into the box at drive thrus when you were in high school. You told yourself how ridiculous it was and eventually just did it. Now you seem to be freaking out about not being cool enough, not being as far in life as some 27 year olds are, not being pretty enough, etc etc etc. Lets bring in ole Stuart Smally cos you're good enough, you're smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like you! Scratch that, people effing love you! So please stop comparing yourself to other women. You are not like other women. Frankly, you are more badass than most women. You are compassionate, thoughtful, beautiful, you are intelligent, you have accomplished great things thus far, you are witty, silly, you enjoy life and know how to have fun. Yes, your anxiety holds you back, but you know you can fight through these ridiculous things and be a better person. You don't need your boyfriend's friends to tell him you are beautiful because he thinks you are beautiful and you should know that it's true. You don't need anyone's approval but your own. You don't have to be so scared of living. This doesn't happen all the time, but on the rare occasion you are in fact scared to death of being an adult and you know what, that's okay. You need to find confidence in yourself and know you can do anything that you put your mind to. Just like Melissa said, there is always room for improvement, but know that the base you have to work with is incredible!

Looooooooooooove,

Yourself

**Thanks Melissa for writing a letter to yourself because I needed this***

Lucid Dreaming

Dreams. What are they? An escape from reality or reality itself? Waking Life follows the dream(s) of one man and his attempt to find and discern the absolute difference between waking life and the dreamworld. While trying to figure out a way to wake up, he runs into many people on his way; some of which offer one sentence asides on life, others delving deeply into existential questions and life's mysteries. We become the main character. It becomes our dream and our questions being asked and answered. Can we control our dreams? What are they telling us about life? About death? About ourselves and where we come from and where we are going? The film does not answer all these for us. Instead, it inspires us to ask the questions and find the answers ourselves. Written by http://www.imdb.com/SearchPlotWriters?Jeff%20Mellinger%20%7Bjmell@uclink4.berkeley.edu%7D

I rewatched this the other day with Jamie. He had never seen it. I had forgotten about my curiosity concerning lucid dreaming. The only fear I have about trying lucid dreaming is getting confused on whether you are awake or dreaming. BUT there is a way to test this. A friend of mine on facebook (he taught school with my mom so we haven't actually met) posted a note recently on the steps to lucid dreaming. I really want to try this.

First, lucid dreaming is an unusual dream-state where you know that you are dreaming, and can then try to exert some measure of control or influence over what you dream.

Step one, if you want to lucid dream, is simply to do something to increase the number of dreams you remember. This is simple: keep a dream journal, right next to your bed -- a simple notebook, with pen or pencil ready. The moment you wake up, write down every detail you can remember about what you were dreaming (lucidly or not) right before waking -- before the dream fades from your memory, as they often do quickly. Just this step alone will make you more aware of your dreams, and therefore make it more likely that you will lucid-dream.

Step two is to take a permanent marker, and write a small "c" on one hand. This "c" stands for a Check of Consciousness. Every time, during the day (which will probably be a dozen times or so) that you notice this "c," stop whatever you're doing, and check -- really, seriously check -- to see if you can figure out whether you are awake or asleep. You can check this by thinking about the events of the last 15 minutes ago, and seeing if they flowed naturally from one event to the next, or were disjointed and random, as dreams often are. An even simpler way to check is to see if the laws of physics work normally, for they often do not in dreams. I do this by simply jumping up into the air. If I fall straight back down, well, I know gravity is working normally, and assume I am awake. I know from experience that gravity often does NOT typically work normally in my dreams, so, if I flutter downward like a leaf or a sheet of paper when I try this, then I know I'm dreaming.

Now, if you do this check a dozen times or so, for 5-7 days (sometimes less), you'll get in such a habit of doing it that you'll continue the habit right into your dream-time -- in other words, you'll perform the check while dreaming, just because you've been doing it so much. If your checks are thorough enough, you're then more likely than not at that point to figure out that you are, in fact, asleep and dreaming. At that point, have fun -- what you choose to dream about is completely up to you!


To be in control of your dreams! How awesome is that?! I highly recommend Waking Life if only to get your mind churning about the possibilites of the mind itself.